I had swung to the opposite end of the spectrum. There were weeks where I would eat nothing other than tomato soup from a can and 6 crackers. I can distinctly remember that I would read the calories on everything obsessively. I would lay there and tell myself that I was fine, and that if I didn’t think about it, it would go away. I went to bed almost every night feeling lightheaded and nauseous because I was hungry, and I was afraid to eat. I hated that I wanted to eat, and was constantly punishing my body whenever I did eat.Ī horrible mental habit formed, that if I ate a meal, I had to skip one because I had overeaten. I would look at food and feel sick because I had started to hate myself. I honestly don’t know how my body didn’t collapse out from underneath me. I probably ate 500 calories a day max, ran 5-10km, played an hour or 2 of soccer, and 2 hours of rugby. Then in the beginning of my second year of university something suddenly changed, I have no idea what it was, but it was like I literally woke up one morning and decided that I was going to start eating less and exercising.Įven at my worst days of overeating, and at my heaviest weight, I was probably healthier than I was that year. I always knew I was smart, talented, hardworking, and kind, things I thought mattered so much more than what my body looked like or what a number on a scale told me. Third, being worthy of love should not be conditional on looking a certain way.īy the end of my first year of university I weighed almost 300 pounds. Secondly, it is absolutely disgusting that beauty is tied to how much a person weighs. Seriously, don’t.įirst off, a person’s value is not affected by a number on a scale. This needs to be heard loud and clear, no matter how helpful you think you’re being, or how concerned you are for someone’s health, these are things you do not say. I remember people saying “you would be so pretty if you lost weight” or “boys would be banging down your door if you lost 50 pounds”. What destroyed me was everyone else around me telling me there was a problem when I didn’t see one. I was always the pudgy kid, but honestly, it didn’t bother me. Let me tell you a bit more of my story, I was overweight my entire life. That is to say: no, I have not conquered my problems. But I certainly, ate like I was, and honestly, even now I sometimes find myself slipping back into old habits. I’ve never talked to anyone about it, except in looking back at some of the worst periods and briefly reflecting. I hate to admit to this, but I had an eating disorder for a long time.
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I’ll be honest, I’ve never figured out what drives it, or how to fix it. Personally, I have struggled with food my entire life. Mostly because my Instagram, and Facebook seem to be filled with people unhappy with their bodies, and I look at them and think I should be too. Something I have been thinking about a lot lately is weight.
But for some reason, I am compelled to do so. Its hard to dig deep and think about tough things, and then share them.
This blog post is probably one of the most personal I will ever write, and let me tell you, it isn’t easy to be so honest.
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